I don't know how many people are going to actually read this...and even smaller than that number, the amount of readers who will actually care. Just to forewarn, this is largely...me rambling on. Just speaking my mind about things that have happened lately, and in the past. I don't really expect comments, or calls from certain people even, but it'd be kind of nice to just know my thoughts are tangible, they EXIST, that somehow...they matter, even just a tiny bit. So the best way to make them tangible is to put them into words. You don't have to read, you don't have to be sympathetic, and I don't want pity.
You know, I don't much like it when people post "woe me, i'm depressed, i'm so unhappy, i'm so miserable, the world would be better off without me in it!" it's...it feels like the sort of thing thrown around at the first thought, without people actually stopping to think, and ask themselves if they really are at that point. I think at best, I can say i've felt like that only a small handful of times in my life. Only once did i ever actually try to commit suicide, and it was a very pathetic act resorted to from desperation to escape percieved consequences, not to escape misery. More often then not, I think about killing myself in a more..."What if? How?" sort of way. It happens more frequently that I would ever admit, but it's never from a desire to actually die. I kinda think right now, it's some..weird defense mechanism to remind me, hey you wanna stay alive cause of this and this! Do you really wanna do this? Nah you don't, but go ahead and think about it so you don't have to tell anyone, and you can feel something again to get your emotions restarted again! All by yourself, fixed for now, good girl.
I suppose by all rights, I'm one of the lucky ones. I've been asked a few times in my life, "What do you have to be unhappy about? You've had a great life!" and for the most part, they're right. 90% of my life has been pretty ideal by any standards. Roof over my head, loving parents, practically spoiled. And yet...somehow, it's mostly empty for me. Always has been. Sure I'll tell you I'm happy, I'm fine, I don't need anything...It's not exactly a lie, but it's not the whole truth either. People might ask "well, what more do you want?" and the sad thing...I don't even know how to answer.
I don't know what it would take to make me happy, or to make me forgive someone. I don't know what it would take to fix the problems inside of me, and the problems between me and others. It's a longing for something I can't see, reaching for something in the darkness. I don't know if I'll ever find the answer. And I don't know who would be willing to stand by me if I never find it. It's a painful thought...
I wish I knew more people who knew the pain of what it's like to trust someone with your life and heart, and yet not be able to trust them with daily life things. It's frustrating. It's a flaw and you know it, yet it seems an unbreakable wall. You think to yourself, "Hey, I can trust them with this huge significant thing. Why shouldn't I trust them with this not so significant thing?" It's never made much sense to me. And it's a problem I don't know how to fix...a problem I can't even admit, because people are hurt if you admit you trust them one way and not another. No one wants to bother helping to fix that kind of problem. And you just kind of keep it to yourself, trying to remind yourself...
It's kind of funny all the sayings there are about trust...It's like a mirror, or a porcelain needle or something like that. I think the worse part about those sayings is that trust can be so fragile and singular...like once it's broken, it's never completely whole again. I kind of hate that..especially because people will act afterwards like it is, even if it lurks under the surface. Maybe it's a truth I don't want to believe in. But then, there are probably a lot of truths I don't want to believe..
Then there are the truths I want to forget. That things and feelings can always change...I guess that's why I'm always scared. Sure, you say you feel this way today...but then tomorrow isn't today is it? And no one can promise how they'll feel tomorrow, next week, next year, next decade. I've had far more people than I can count who stood by my side, then just...left. Poof. Didn't care. Screw you, see you never. You get tired of it...so you get to the point where you don't want it to ever happen again. But then comes the rock and the hard place...Do you avoid people to prevent it? But then either way, you're just alone. There's no freaking middle ground. There's no fixing it.
Middle ground is hard to find...how do you find the balance between this matters, but so does this? What gives, what takes, what falls, what rises. How do you ever know? It seems an impossible skill to me...and it probably is. I bet not too many people know how to really find the balance between two things. What's important to me, and what's important to you. And more often than not...it feels like what's important to me is insignificant, no matter what. I've had people try to tell me that's not true..."Be selfish. If it's upseting you, it's important. You matter." and it doesn't feel true. If I'm upset...I want a hug, I want someone to tell me it's okay, I want someone to hold my hand, I want someone to make me laugh...and yet, my sadness is a quicksand. They can pull and pull, and it feels like I'm barely getting out...who would want to deal with that for very long?
And sometimes...it just seems like if I want those things, it's an inconvieniece to anyone I might try to seek help from. So I'm sad? They have their problems, their own lives...again, middle ground. How selfish can I be without being too selfish? But it feels like even a single step down that path is too much, and I'm asking too much with that single step, that single question for help. Every tear I shed in silence causes more misery, but less guilt than if I asked someone to help me with what's causing the tears. How do you decide between guilt and misery? I don't know how I decide...but in the end, misery seems the easier choice, and a lighter burden then guilt. But then...I suppose a tiny amount of resentment, if I stop and think of how many tears I've shed specifically for certain people in my lifetime. Far more tears than anyone will ever know. And usually, my problem that caused the tears remains unfixed anyway, and I just feel guilty I ever expressed the problem and caused more.
I wish a lot more than I can say that I had the words...to express how sorry and grateful I am. All the things you've done for me...anything I do in return seems barely sufficent. A mere drop from me, compared to a lake from you. I wish I could do more...and I wish I could make you happier, like how you've made me all these years. I wish I could be the person you seem to see me as....and I'm sorry I'm just a mere shadow of that vision.
I guess that's enough rambling for now...I feel...well not better, but steadier. Calmer. Maybe now I can go to sleep without crying, I hope. But then I never seem to really have much hope for anything anymore, except to get through a day without more pain than yesterday. If only someone could know and understand just how much pain I feel every day, hidden underneath a smile and dismissive words, a pain that has a hidden unstoppable source. But probably human folly...to wish for the impossible.
If you're still reading this, whoever you are, you have my gratitude for sticking through my nonsense, though it's not worth much. If you just skipped everything above and want to see how this journal ends, have no fear, I have no intentions of harming myself nor have I harmed myself period. Just a bit of expression of myself that in the end probably doesn't mean anything, because I simply don't see the significance of myself even now.
Good night, and may you have happier dreams that I will Reader.
Listening to: Evanescence- Missing
Reading: my computer
Watching: Lord of the Rings: Two Towers