How I Feel/Do you know?(Warning:Depressing)

I know certain eyes will be reading this. And I don't really care. I don't care if we ever even talk about this, or just pretend it didn't happen. But maybe if I don't speak the words and I write them, you'll understand and remember. Maybe you get distracted when I try to speak. Maybe things will get better. Maybe they'll get worse.

It's hard for me to even type the words right now. I get so emotional...i start shaking. Maybe I'm scared. Maybe I'm angry. Maybe this is what it feels like to be free without chains holding you down, and your body doesn't know how to handle it. I never really liked it. The shaking distracts me. I think who ever might be in front of me, usually the person who is the cause of my high emotions, will think it's a sign of weakness and only feel contempt for me and what I have to say. It makes me angry, and it makes it harder for me to try and get across what I need to. I'll probably be shaking the entire time I write this. But that's okay. It's easier when you don't care about stuff anymore.

Do you know what it feels like, to feel so many things revolving around one aspect of your life? The doubts, the worries, the joys, the fears, the anticipations, the disappointments...it's not fun. It's really downright exhausting. And it only gets worse when you hear people telling you “you can get over it. It's not that bad. Don't let it control you. It'll get better. Why should you feel like this?”

I distinctly think it's impossible to truly control your emotions. I think anyone who says otherwise is lying to themselves or others. It seems every day, I'm fighting against some negative emotion I don't want to feel. I know i'd be happier without it, and I want that...but it won't go away. It's not that easy to just ignore it. It's not that easy to face the truth staring at you. The truth doesn't chase away the negative. It just stands there, like a statue that you can't even pick up to use as a weapon. The negative isn't like that. It's constantly on the offensive, attacking you, clawing away constantly.

Do you know what it feels like to lose trust, and not being able to really admit it? To know or to realize that everyone else will do little or nothing to help rebuild it? The hurt when you come to the truth. You had always thought everything was more important...isn't it worth the effort? The uphill climb? To be able to reach the summit and look around, and realize you did it? Do you know what it feels like when you're willing to make the climb, but someone else isn't?

Do you know what it feels like whe you feel you're not good enough anymore? When you see what other people say or write, and you wonder “what happened to when I was spoken to like that? Why don't I deserve it anymore?” you make excuses, claims...but nothing gets better. Nothing improves. I don't feel good enough anymore, and you think it's enough. But it's not. You don't improve or change. You don't try to say those things to me anymore. You say you're not that kind of person anymore...but I keep seeing proof to the contrary.

You say it to them. Why can't you say it to me? It has meaning. That's all I cared about.

All the “comforts” just feel like pretty lies. Words feel cheap. Words feel empty. Words are the bandage on the bullet wound. And the wound keeps bleeding..and bleeding...and bleeding. And you try to staunch the flow. You try to stitch it....it hurts, but no one will help. Worse, some get angry. They get angry about the wrong things, and make the wound bigger.

And you just keep trying to deny it. You pretend it's just a small hole that can go away because everyone says it can.

Eventually you get to a point where you've bled out too much. I did, two days ago. My emotions bled out, and I haven't felt anything but varients of pain, physical and mental. But if ever I mention the source I only get anger. Blame. Denial. I screwed up because I didn't move on. Because it was alright for you, but it wasn't for me. You're angry it's not being neatly healed up and forgotten. It's fair. But it's unfair.

Am I intelligent enough now? Deep enough, philosophical, interesting? Am I sexy enough, enticing, desirable? Am I fun enough, adventerous, amusing, relaxed?

It's the same old words...the same song and dance, the same record. Nothing has changed except for the worse.

Do you know what it feels like to hold on to something so desperately because you don't want to let go, but it just keeps slipping away even as you hold it?

Do you know what it feels like to stand on a cliff edge, constantly feeling insecure, like at any moment you're going to drop because no one will hold you or give you the support you need to keep from falling? Or worse, they give you flimsy things to hold on to, that keep breaking and they don't seem to realize it.

I'm glad the shaking stopped now. I hate the fact the tears are starting to come. I preferred it when I didn't feel anything but the varients of pain. It's easier.

Do you know what it feels like to want change when no one else does, even if they claim they do? Do you know what it feels like to want to run from the same old same old, and run to the new? And you're chained, right where you are. You can't step back. You can't step forward. You can just look at where you've been, and where you'd give anything to be.

Do you know what it feels like to feel like you're hidden? You think only the important people need to know about you, but maybe it's not good enough. Maybe it seems like you're hiding things. Maybe that's one of the reasons I feel suspicious. Aren't you proud of what we accomplished, and what we have? You show off the things you're proud of. Why aren't you proud of me?

More claims, excuses, reasons...what should I believe and not believe..?

Do you know what it feels like to want to reach out, but keep pulling your hand back because you keep asking “what's the point?”. Things probably won't get better. At worse, they'll get a little worse then a little better....then worse again.

Do you know what it feels like, trying to balance fairness? To feel like you're doing everything you can to be fair to someone...and yet they tell you it's not good enough? And then to feel like they're not doing everything they can to be fair to you. You can't reach that happy middleground, where you are fair to each other...the give and take are equal, and you're not resentful because you feel you're giving too much and not taking enough. That middleground where you don't feel like you're being taken for granted or worse, being taken advantage of.

Do you know what it feels like to run out of patience? Like you're always waiting for something? To feel like you will never accomplish anything, despite the reassurances that you just have to be patient. It'll happen eventually. Without any kind of plan. Things will just somehow work out. You hope.

And ultimately, do you know what it feels like to run out of hope? To think about that someone who might be reading this, and wonder “do they understand? Will they finally get it? Will they actually HELP instead of trying to help and making it worse, and just getting angry because it didn't help?”

or worse, will they read this and not care at all? Not even want to bother?

I know we've talked about this before. It's circles and circles, around and around. But you always seem to forget my side of it...why I feel that way and what you can do to make it better. I keep trying to remember and do it, but you don't seem to realize I am or the effort it takes. It's not good enough for you is it? But then it tends to be mutual. Maybe it's your revenge.

Do you know what it feels like to try to rip your heart out just to offer it to someone and make them happy?

Do you know what it feels like to be alone...miserable...wondering what they're doing? Wondering if they're even thinking of you? Wondering if your absence made as little difference as your presence seemed to?

Do you know the pain of needing someone who doesn't need you, despite what they say?

I don't expect sympathy or pity. I wouldn't be surprised if I didn't get any response, online or offline. I don't even care how personal this is, or that only certain people will understand why I wrote what I did. I don't know what I was looking for when I started writing this...except...maybe just some change. Maybe even now I still feel the tiny futile hope that things can still change and get better on both sides. But it's so tiny...I don't really expect anything but more anger, and more blame.

Maybe you can realize just how much I hurt and need you, and just how much you're making things worse even as I try my hardest to make things better, and even as you try to make things better. Maybe you'll remember all the broken promises you made me and do something to set it right. Maybe you'll finally do something to make me feel secure of your own volition, instead of me telling you what to do and the feeling like that's the only reason you did it, and the pain that causes me.

Maybe you'll stop being angry at me for feeling the emotions I do and blaming me.

Do you know how that feels?